Category Archives: MS Paint Art

Your period product slogan is useless to me

Recently, I realized I have quite a few tweets and blog posts about my period. Aunt Flo. The Red Witch. At first I thought “Hey, that’s strange” and then I remembered Bleedy McVagina Bleedytime happens approximately every 35 days. Just under a dozen times each year. And it’s been happening in that fashion for 17 years. THAT’S A LOT OF YEARS. And at best guess, I’ve got another 17 or so to go. So whatever, I’m going to talk about it. All the time. Basically it’s what I talk about now. I’m just going to write a book about all the shit that I do or don’t do during my period. Chapter 1: Why is it so Damn Hot in This Room?

In recent period news, my feminine hygieneproduct container made me scoff this week. I don’t understand why Always touts the ability to “wear what you want” thanks to the new design of their products. That’s really not anything impressive or exciting.

It’s my period. You know what I want to wear? Sweatpants. And also pajama pants. But mostly sweatpants.

For 5 days every 35, my ability to dress like a respectable human goes out the window. It’s all elastic waistbands and loose cotton. And it’s super cozy.

I am not concerned with whether or not a pad or a tampon or pantiliner is discrete.

Things I’m concerned with:
1. Where did all of the dark chocolate go?
2. Should I try that new pizza place or just order from the usual?
3. Is this a double cheeseburger or single cheeseburger kind of day?
4. Why is everything on the news so sad?
5. I should adopt another dog.
6. My friends are so special and I just love them so much.
7. Where did I put the ibuprofen?
8. Why is sleeping through the night impossible?
9. Is it like, 100 degrees in this apartment or is that just me?
10. I should eat healthier. Tomorrow.
11. Are my favorite sweatpants clean?
12. Will my neighbors notice I’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for days?
13. I should take a nap on my lunch break.
14. How can I convince my husband to make dinner?
15. Can I just lay in this bed for the next five days?

Things I’m NOT concerned with:
1. Wearing anything tight enough for a stranger to know I’m on my period. Actually, I’m not going to do that regardless of whether or not I’m on my period. I mean shit, how tight are your pants that people can tell you’re wearing a pad or pantiliner anyway?
2. Whether or not people know if I have my period. Is me having my period uncomfortable for you? That’s unfortunate. You know what else is uncomfortable? A PLASTIC APPLICATOR INSIDE YOUR VAGINA. YEA. I SAID IT.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pause my bitching long enough to go eat all the chocolate in the house. Come to me, sugary goodness. I will shelter you in my belly and you will sing lullabies to my uterus.

uterus

On talking to people that are different

I float around a pretty liberal crowd (shocking, I know), so I’m used to operating in an inclusive space. Unfortunately, that’s not the same for everyone. Fortunately, our society is slowly coming around to embracing differences and erring on the side of inclusion. Mostly. There’s still plenty of shitty people in the world. I’ve noticedContinue Reading

Actual Real Life – Episode 4: Texts With Dad

Although we’re buds now, my father and I didn’t always have the best relationship growing up. In fact, I’m pretty sure I said less than two paragraphs worth of words to him from approximately 13 to 17. And yet, in spite of the lack of communication during my teenage years, I managed to turn intoContinue Reading

Actual Real Life – Episode 3: The Bra Store

This past weekend, David and I decided to adventure to the nearby outlet mall for the first time. With some sunshine and a slight breeze, it was a great opportunity for us to get to know this cute little gem near our newest home. Most of the stores are pretty useless to us but there’sContinue Reading

Sometimes being female isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

I started hormonal birth control when I was 14 (and just for the record, it didn’t make me want to have wild and unprotected sex). I spent my high school and college years with clear skin and a period that was easy breezy. I would happily go to cheerleading or track practice while on myContinue Reading

Happy Birthday, Chewy: Another year of snuggles

Happy Birthday, Chewy: Another year of snuggles

I’m obsessed with my dog. I think he’s the greatest dog in the history of dogs. Even when he smells funny. Even when he eats my food I foolishly walked away from. Even when I’m cleaning his vomit off the carpet at 5:30 in the morning (oh hai, that morning was a blast). I justContinue Reading

Boot life and birthdays

Boot life and birthdays

Apparently working out really hard all the time isn’t so good for you. Oops? My affection for high impact, high intensity, interval training has left me all stumpy. I have a stress fracture in my foot because of excessive running/jumping/high impact movements. Thanks to my obsession with balls-to-the-wall workouts, I now have a sweet newContinue Reading

Things I Love: Dove go fresh Cool Essentials Deodorant

Here’s the thing: no one wants to be smelly, myself included. Proof of that can be seen in the ever-increasing deodorant and fragrance aisles. We like to smell good. Sometime around starting college my hormones and/or glands started to get all wonky. I was suddenly always sweating all the time. Whether I was cold orContinue Reading

The paper anniversary

The paper anniversary

Earlier this month, David and I celebrated one full year of marriage together. A conversation the day before went a little something like this: Me: So we’ve been married a full year now. David: Yup. Me: That’s pretty weird right? David: Umm… no? It’s what I expected. Me: Right. But. It’s still weird. -crickets- Me:Continue Reading

Deciphering the Australian map? Pfft. Easy.

Deciphering the Australian map? Pfft. Easy.

If you’ve been on the internet recently, you might have seen The Most Accurate Map of the United States posted by an Australian with no knowledge of the United States or geography. I decided, as someone with the great honor of being educated in two different states here and as a personally certified genius, thatContinue Reading