Your period product slogan is useless to me

Recently, I realized I have quite a few tweets and blog posts about my period. Aunt Flo. The Red Witch. At first I thought “Hey, that’s strange” and then I remembered Bleedy McVagina Bleedytime happens approximately every 35 days. Just under a dozen times each year. And it’s been happening in that fashion for 17 years. THAT’S A LOT OF YEARS. And at best guess, I’ve got another 17 or so to go. So whatever, I’m going to talk about it. All the time. Basically it’s what I talk about now. I’m just going to write a book about all the shit that I do or don’t do during my period. Chapter 1: Why is it so Damn Hot in This Room?

In recent period news, my feminine hygieneproduct container made me scoff this week. I don’t understand why Always touts the ability to “wear what you want” thanks to the new design of their products. That’s really not anything impressive or exciting.

It’s my period. You know what I want to wear? Sweatpants. And also pajama pants. But mostly sweatpants.

For 5 days every 35, my ability to dress like a respectable human goes out the window. It’s all elastic waistbands and loose cotton. And it’s super cozy.

I am not concerned with whether or not a pad or a tampon or pantiliner is discrete.

Things I’m concerned with:
1. Where did all of the dark chocolate go?
2. Should I try that new pizza place or just order from the usual?
3. Is this a double cheeseburger or single cheeseburger kind of day?
4. Why is everything on the news so sad?
5. I should adopt another dog.
6. My friends are so special and I just love them so much.
7. Where did I put the ibuprofen?
8. Why is sleeping through the night impossible?
9. Is it like, 100 degrees in this apartment or is that just me?
10. I should eat healthier. Tomorrow.
11. Are my favorite sweatpants clean?
12. Will my neighbors notice I’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for days?
13. I should take a nap on my lunch break.
14. How can I convince my husband to make dinner?
15. Can I just lay in this bed for the next five days?

Things I’m NOT concerned with:
1. Wearing anything tight enough for a stranger to know I’m on my period. Actually, I’m not going to do that regardless of whether or not I’m on my period. I mean shit, how tight are your pants that people can tell you’re wearing a pad or pantiliner anyway?
2. Whether or not people know if I have my period. Is me having my period uncomfortable for you? That’s unfortunate. You know what else is uncomfortable? A PLASTIC APPLICATOR INSIDE YOUR VAGINA. YEA. I SAID IT.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pause my bitching long enough to go eat all the chocolate in the house. Come to me, sugary goodness. I will shelter you in my belly and you will sing lullabies to my uterus.

uterus

On talking to people that are different

I float around a pretty liberal crowd (shocking, I know), so I’m used to operating in an inclusive space. Unfortunately, that’s not the same for everyone. Fortunately, our society is slowly coming around to embracing differences and erring on the side of inclusion.

Mostly.

There’s still plenty of shitty people in the world.

I’ve noticed there’s a lot of discussion on the interwebz about how much all of this inclusion can confuse the people in our society.

I’m not entirely ignorant, I know that approaching someone that looks/sounds/smells different from you can cause some anxiety if you’re used to existing in a lovely, homogenous, little bubble.

So I made this handy dandy little comic to help you out. It doesn’t cover all the bases; it’s more of a Getting Started Guide for you to use going forward.

I got you.

be a decent person

Actual Real Life – Episode 4: Texts With Dad

Although we’re buds now, my father and I didn’t always have the best relationship growing up. In fact, I’m pretty sure I said less than two paragraphs worth of words to him from approximately 13 to 17. And yet, in spite of the lack of communication during my teenage years, I managed to turn into a person that, at times, bears a striking resemble to my dad. And sometimes, just in case I’ve forgotten, a moment comes along to remind me.

Suffice it to say, I get my overarching sarcasm from both of my parents, but I get my dry sense of humor and my deadpan from my dad.

For better or worse.

dadconvo

Actual Real Life – Episode 3: The Bra Store

This past weekend, David and I decided to adventure to the nearby outlet mall for the first time. With some sunshine and a slight breeze, it was a great opportunity for us to get to know this cute little gem near our newest home. Most of the stores are pretty useless to us but there’s a solid amount of athletic apparel stores (Reebok! be still my heart) and some shoes stores (Converse!) that we’re certain to be visiting again.

bloomers-brasWhile we were strolling around I noticed there were quite a few bra/underwear stores for women. Not the sexy kind like Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s, just regular undergarment stores. I decided that it couldn’t hurt to stop in and see if I could find a new bra.

It’s important to note here that I buy my bras online because I have such small boobs. I can never find my size in stores.

I used to hate my boobs and my friends used to make fun of me for being “flat-chested” but I’ve come to a place in my life where I really love my body (most days). And that includes having small breasts. It took me a long time to get to that point. As recent as six years ago I was daydreaming about breast augmentation. I’m happy I never followed through with that.

I’m average height but have a small frame and the rest of my features fall in line with that. I think I still look super cute in low cut tops and bikinis. Also, sleeping on my chest and running are both way easier without weighty boobs to contend with.

That said, there was some incredulous staring followed by quite a bit of laughter after an exchange with David at the bra store this weekend. As a certified Guy Who Gives Zero Fucks, he doesn’t concern himself with how things sound before he says them out loud…

bracomic

Disclaimer: Lest anyone that doesn’t know him think less of my husband, it’s important to point out that he was asking a genuine question. Just… poorly. He knows my bras are small but never knew the exact size, and has no complaints (only commendations) about any of his wife’s bits and bobbles.

 

Sometimes being female isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

I started hormonal birth control when I was 14 (and just for the record, it didn’t make me want to have wild and unprotected sex). I spent my high school and college years with clear skin and a period that was easy breezy. I would happily go to cheerleading or track practice while on my period in high school. I would still go out for a run downtown or do a barre workout while on my period in college.

“What’s everyone always complaining about?” I thought to myself. “Cramps aren’t THAT bad. Periods are THAT bad. You lady folk are really blowing this out of proportion.”

And then, eight years later, I stopped pumping hormones into my body. And like magic, I suddenly had the period everyone was talking about. Two months after I stopped the pill I thought maybe I should go back on it. I restarted the pill and proceeded to have a 21-day period.

It was just as awesome as it sounds.

With that sound of the alarm, I listened to my body, and promptly stopped the pill. Again.

Since then, I’ve lost some weight, I discovered I don’t have naturally beautiful and clear skin, and every five days out of 40, exercise and eating healthy are basically the equivalent to spooning my own eyes out or learning how to fly. I want to curl up in a ball under my blankets with a stockpile of Chipotle, Buffalo Wild Wings, and frozen yogurt, talk about my feelings, and not come out.

It turns out, real periods suck. Like… really suck, you guys.

A lot.

 

womanlytime

Happy Birthday, Chewy: Another year of snuggles

I’m obsessed with my dog. I think he’s the greatest dog in the history of dogs. Even when he smells funny. Even when he eats my food I foolishly walked away from. Even when I’m cleaning his vomit off the carpet at 5:30 in the morning (oh hai, that morning was a blast). I just think he’s the bees knees.

He’s my sidekick. He follows me everywhere. He curls right up with me like a teddy bear whenever I want him to. Mostly he just waddles around the house looking all cute and shit.

As cute as my dog is, I’m fairly certain I see him differently than everyone else. It’s sort of like body dismorphic disorder except in reverse. Like in Shallow Hal where he only sees the best of her (or whatever that movie was supposed to tell me about society).

This is what the world sees when they look at Chewy (Princess Chewbacca Dalek Stinky Nugget Lovebug Floppy Ears Buddy Monster Derpy Bug Chunk Jess Johnson):

chewy

 

All regularly proportioned and junk. This is what I see when I look at Chewy:

 

chewycartoonf

 

You guys. He’s ALL EARS AND EYES.

That’s it. Just giant, suck-your-soul-out-of-your-damn-cranium puppy dog eyes paired with excessively large,  ultra floppy, soft-as-the-softest-cloud in Heaven ears. The rest of his body exists only to hold up his ears and eyes.

Sometimes I don’t even think he has a torso.

He’s just eyes attached to ears attached to snuggles.

And today he turns 7. According to one of the charts at my vet’s office (but not all of them) he’s now a senior citizen. He doesn’t have any gray hair and he recently lost two pounds so he’s doing pretty well for himself in his old age. To celebrate, I got my dapper little guy a new bow tie collar (I’ve been taking pictures nonstop) and I’ll be stopping on the way home to get him a special puppy cookie dessert treat. YES. I’M SERIOUS.

No shame in my obsessed-with-my-puppy game.

chewybirthday

Boot life and birthdays

bootlifegApparently working out really hard all the time isn’t so good for you.

Oops?

My affection for high impact, high intensity, interval training has left me all stumpy. I have a stress fracture in my foot because of excessive running/jumping/high impact movements. Thanks to my obsession with balls-to-the-wall workouts, I now have a sweet new accessory to rock for three weeks.

#bootlife

I am to wear the boot whenever I am walking or standing and I am to avoid any high impact exercise. No running. No jumping. No running and jumping at the same time (high school long/triple/high jumper in the hooouse). This means a big shift in my workouts is required so I updated my plan and wanted to share it with anyone else that just so happens to not be able to do things that might injure their foot (my people!).

My workouts for the next three weeks will be comprised of three different full-body strength circuits, cycling, and swimming. I did the first strength circuit last night in one-minute intervals. 50 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, then on to the next exercise. I did that three times through (for a 30 minute workout) and I kept an easy-moderate pace because I was easing back into my workouts. The next strength day I’ll up the pace or the weights to make it more difficult and I’ll vary the intensity of my workouts throughout.

LI1g LI2g LI3g

(click the images to expand)

Today I’ll be cycling at the work gym (top five favorite work perks of ever) on my lunch break and tomorrow I’ll either hit up the pool or rest. My former-water-polo-playing friend came over last week to teach me how to swim like a real adult so now I know how to do the break stroke, crawl stroke, back stroke, and I think some other stroke but I can’t remember (I’m a great student). I’m hoping to get some more time in the pool soon to a) have an excuse to enjoy the pool before we move out and b) to get comfortable with another form of exercise.

If I’m being honest though, tomorrow is 90% chance of a rest day because it’s David’s birthday <3 <3. Love that guy.

His birthday is always a fun adventure around our house because while David’s all like

what birthday?

 

I’m all like

party party party party!

and I make him celebrate his birthday every year, even when he doesn’t want to. As far as I’m concerned it’s one of my wifely duties (hehe duties) to force him to celebrate life. And celebrate we shall! We both have the day off work Thursday and the world is our oyster!

I have no idea what that saying means. Also, I don’t like seafood. So maybe we’ll just do something fun instead, sans oysters…

 

Things I Love: Dove go fresh Cool Essentials Deodorant

Here’s the thing: no one wants to be smelly, myself included. Proof of that can be seen in the ever-increasing deodorant and fragrance aisles. We like to smell good.

Sometime around starting college my hormones and/or glands started to get all wonky. I was suddenly always sweating all the time. Whether I was cold or hot I always had sweaty pits. It was inevitable. My pit stains had pit stains and I avoided certain fabrics so that my pit stains were harder to see. Thanks to the internet I was able to determine that I probably had some sort of sudden onset hyperhydrosis (thanks, internet!) and that it would be a battle I would fight forever. Determined to solve this problem on my own (and not see a doctor about because that would be CRAZY), I went back to the internet for more help.

What deodorant will save me, internet? What deodorant will mask this sweat?

The internet told me to invest in the newly available “clinical strength” deodorants. It’s important to note here that I had absolutely zero idea what qualified these as “clinical strength” and on account of being lazy, I still haven’t looked this up. I just assume it’s extra concentrated deodorant. Like how extra strength acne treatments are just double the salicylic acid (or whatever).

Recently, feeling like the clinical strength deodorant wasn’t holding through my tough workouts, and somewhat concerned that deodorant can cause breast cancer I thought “OMG I shouldn’t use this extra strength stuff, it’s not even working and it’s probably extra cancery!” So I decided to try a more “natural” approach to deodorizing. Enter: Tom’s of Maine.

apricot
Deodorant review or Sabrina the MothWoman? We may never know.

I love Maine and I love apricots so I figured their “fresh apricot” scent was the way to go.

It was not.

I spent approximately two weeks waking around smelling like BO and apricots. It was a weird and enticing mix of scents, to be sure. In fact, after a particularly sweaty day I hopped in the apartment complex elevators where a neighbor let me know that I smelled “real good.” I suppose the apricot was probably reaching farther than the sweat scent but I could still smell myself.

All day long.

Ugh.

So back to the internets I went!

This time, I started with some more reliable sources, like this particular piece from the National Cancer Institute that emphasizes that there is no conclusive evidence that links the use of antiperspirants or deodorants and breast cancer. Sure, I could have looked that up first and saved myself the trouble but I like to live on the edge and throw money away.

After solving the whole cancer issues, I tried to find recommended deodorants for fit gals like me and boy did I ever find answers. Tons of solutions led me to clinical strength deodorants again but that obviously was not going to work this time.

prod-apdeo-ultimate-go-fresh-cool-essentials-deo-AAnd then.

Some fitness website (I don’t remember, I’m very busy) recommended Dove go fresh Cool Essentials deodorant and I was skeptical but intrigued. It earned something like four out of five stars and at less than $4 I didn’t have much to lose. Except $4.

You guys.

I can’t even.

I’m basically in love with this deodorant. It’s super inexpensive and super effective. I wasn’t exactly excited about grabbing this off of the shelf because I have an aversion to cucumber melon scents (hello, middle school is calling, it wants its body spray back) and was worried I would be stepping into that scent but that didn’t happen at all. The mix of cucumber and green tea really does smell cool and refreshing (and nothing like middle school) and this deodorant delivers. It keeps a fair amount of sweat at bay and at times when I have no choice but to sweat, it does a great job of masking my sexy lady BO.

Just call me Ol' Cucumber Pits.
Just call me Ol’ Cucumber Pits.

I went on a three mile run this past weekend in 80 degree weather and came back to my house covered in sweat but not reaking of it which was insanely refreshing.

I seem to have found the fit girl holy grail.

It works for me. Will it work for you? Probably? Maybe? We all have different body chemistry so you won’t really now until you try it but it definitely is my new favorite beauty product.

Oh and for what it’s worth, I super don’t have hyperhydrosis.

At some point in the past 10 years my hormones and glands stopped being wonky (as they relate to sweat anyway) but I was so stuck in my clinical strength deodorant ways that I kept thinking I was just as sweaty as before. I kept thinking I needed MOAR ANTIPERSPIRANT but all I needed was a good one.

I’m pretty damn elated that I found a deodrant that works for me and quite frankly you should be too. Finding a quality deodorant isn’t just a win for me, it’s a win for everyone that ever has to stand near me. Especially after a workout, or in a building when the air conditioning is broken.

So basically, you’re welcome America. Smell my cucumbery goodness.

 

The paper anniversary

Earlier this month, David and I celebrated one full year of marriage together. A conversation the day before went a little something like this:

Me: So we’ve been married a full year now.

David: Yup.

Me: That’s pretty weird right?

David: Umm… no? It’s what I expected.

Me: Right. But. It’s still weird.

-crickets-

Me: Know what I’m saying?

David: No. I really don’t.

You see? Even though we’re married, sometimes David still doesn’t get me. WHATEVER, DAVID.

Anyway, to celebrate I made him the greatest print he will ever receive ever. As the first anniversary is traditionally the paper anniversary, I thought it only right to whip out my mad art skills and present him with a piece that will one day hang in museums to be sure. It’s a pretty accurate depiction of how things roll in our house.

marriagefinalrgb2

 

We’re pretty complex people.

Happy Anniversary (again) hot stuff. I look forward to annoying you forever and ever amen.

Deciphering the Australian map? Pfft. Easy.

If you’ve been on the internet recently, you might have seen The Most Accurate Map of the United States posted by an Australian with no knowledge of the United States or geography. I decided, as someone with the great honor of being educated in two different states here and as a personally certified genius, that I should take on the reverse task.

Why?

In his map, the creator mentions that Australia has states. You guys. AUSTRALIA HAS STATES. I know if it’s news to me -a  certified genius – then it’s probably news to you. He also mentions they have “six mayb seven” states so I decided to just go for and take one of the first blank maps of Australia I could find.

I haven’t bothered looking at the real map of Australia since I made this because I’m 99.9% sure I’m pretty spot on anyway.

 

australia2