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Generic trail mix is the worst

Let’s talk about snacking for a hot second.

I love snacks. Okay, really I just love eating. Eating is my jam. So most times of the day you can find me close to a meal or a snack. I have a solid rotation of healthy (or healthyish) snacks that I turn to and one such snack is trail mix.

I don’t mean to be a brand snob but I rock the Planters Nut & Fruit Trail Mix on the regular. It’s a pretty classic trail mix; the kind your momma used to make you. Or the kind you made for yourself in bulk as a college student when you when spent your summer at a stage combat  workshop and needed to take in like 3000 calories a day because helloooo flailing a broadsword and shield around all day is no easy feat my friend.

It’s not trying to be a cool super healthy trail mix that doesn’t have any sweets. It’s a relatively healthy snack, better for you than chips, and provides some healthy fats and energy. It’s not one of the “less peanuts” versions because peanuts are a high-fat nut and everybody is mad at them and almonds are all the rage for nut butter or whatever.

Recently, I wasn’t able to buy the standard Planters fair (Oh Costco and Target have good ones too) and was relegated to buy the store brand at the crappy market by my house.

To sum it up: basically my life is the worst right now with this stupid trail mix. I don’t want to be super wasteful so I just keep eating it. I’m mad because it’s turned my two-step trail mix eating process into a three-step process which also is basically the worst.

Let’s break it down.trailmixx

I typically sort my trail mix serving into two piles. The M&Ms in one pile and the rest of the trail mix in the other. This allows me to grab one small handful of the “other” pile at a time, mixing in an M&M every handful or so to keep it exciting. This also makes sure that I have at least a tiny pile of M&Ms at the end. Because really, I’m only eating the trail mix as an excuse to pretend I’m healthy while eating M&Ms.

Yes, I know I have disordered eating tendencies. No, this is not the only example. Let’s just move right along.

  1. The nuts and other bits. Some nuts. Some raisins. Pretty standard fare trail mix sort of things happening. There’s more of this stuff than chocolate, per the rules of trail mix, but you really kind of just gave up here, didn’t you, generic trail mix maker? I mean sure, all I really want is the peanuts but you’re supposed to add in some almonds are cashews or something so I can feel better about it.
  2. The chocolate. I want to say M&Ms because no trial mix is complete without M&Ms but this is store brand so you know these aren’t M&Ms. These are like, “chocolate coated candies” or some shit. They’re not winning any chocolate awards (are those a thing?) but they’re acceptable. That’ll do, pig.
  3. The seeds. Holy seeds, Batman. You’ll notice in the picture that there is a pile of seeds, #3, and that there are also seeds in pile #1. Why are there also seeds in pile #1? Because this is the correct ratio of seeds to trail mix. This is the pile that I will allow to mix with my chocolate coated candies. Why is there an entire pile of seeds otherwise? Because WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SEEDS IN THIS BAG?!? Look, maybe you’re trying to make your “Sweet & Salty” mix look cooler since you didn’t throw in almonds, or maybe the person in charge of approving this mix is really into seeds, or maybe you just said “Let’s rain down on them with seeds. SEEEEEEEEEDS.” I don’t know what your deal is but I’m over it, generic trail mix. I’m still eating a large portion of this mix because I don’t want to be wasteful but what in the actual anything am I supposed to do with a leftover carton of sunflower seeds? Sprinkle them around when I take the dog out for a walk like I’m Johnny Sunflowerseed? Bag them up and take them to a food pantry? WHAT, I ask you. WHAT do you expect me to do with this nonsense?

I can’t even with you right now, generic trail mix. You continue to force me to pay extra for my pre-mixed bag of things I could totally mix together myself if I wasn’t so damn lazy.

You’re ruining my life.

Does anyone want some seeds?


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