1. Don’t drop the weights. Listen bro, this isn’t 1982 and you’re not Mr. Olympia. This is a gym in the suburbs with a bunch of moms and old dudes. So how about you take a moment to consider the people around you, eh? The people next to you don’t need to be startled every time you finish a set. The people on the first floor don’t need to worry the ceiling is going to cave in during your rest period. It’s so many shades of unnecessary.
Here’s the thing: if you can pick that weight up and put it back down multiple times throughout your set without dropping it, then I promise you that you can set it down like a decent ass person when you’re about to rest. Take two more seconds to decide not to be that guy, set your weights down nearby, and stop irritating the piss out of everyone else.
2. Don’t fart on the machines. Hey, we’re all adults here; I get how the human body works. I also understand that exercise revs up the metabolism and for a lot of people that means some pretty less-than-desirable bodily functions. I’m not mad at you, Machine Farter, I just think you’re making poor choices. When you’re in a crowded space, like say a row of treadmills or on the chest press machine in the middle of the machine floor, it’s just proper manners to take a moment and step away.
You don’t have to run off in shame. I’m not even requesting that you need to go to all the way to a bathroom or private room. All I’m saying is that maybe you shouldn’t fart where all the people are. If you need to run off for a second and come back to finish your workout, no one is going to notice. Nobody cares that much. But they do care when you stank up the place. It’s not right and it’s not fair to the rest of us. Step to the side (maybe on the stretching floor – no one is ever stretching, that space is dumb), do what you need to do, and get right back in the swing of your workout. It’s a service for the world that will go unappreciated, and it’s best that way.
3. Don’t make eye contact with naked people in the locker room. Maybe this is just the introvert in me, but when I’m naked (for the millisecond I’m not covered with a towel), I don’t need you looking at me. I have very strict ”Who can see my butt?” guidelines and you, person in the locker room, are not on that VIP list. I mean, I guess if you’re making eye contact you’re probably trying to avoid looking at my bits but really, wouldn’t it just be easier for everyone if you were looking a completely different direction?
Are we having a conversation? That’s fine, we can talk at the lockers about our weekend plans. We don’t need to be looking at each other, naked as jaybirds, to understand a conversation. If I’m spending our conversation running naked circles around you, then fine, you can take a peek. I’m being weird and also generous and you’re welcome.
Are we not having a conversation? Then stop looking at me, ya weirdo. These running naked circles are not for you, my friend.