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Monthly Archives: August 2013

Actual Real Life – Episode 2: My neighbors hate me

As I mentioned in my last post, Husband and I moved into a new apartment recently. We’ve been here for about a month and a half and although this place isn’t perfect, it’s a good step up for us and it is about 500 times nicer than our first apartment together. I love rain and I extra love falling asleep to the sound of rain and our first apartment catered to my love so much that it rained inside of our bedroom. All down the walls. It was a really fancy feature (don’t be jelly). This apartment doesn’t have the sweet indoor rain feature but it has it’s own special “charm.”

Although we moved into a different zip code, we moved less than 10 miles; and yet it feels at times like we’re in another world. Or some weird alternate universe where people really, really suck. I don’t know what everyone’s issue is here but roughly 99% of our neighbors are just not particularly nice.

I always assumed it was common knowledge that when you walk by a person in a neighborhood or apartment complex or on a sidewalk that you say hello. I also always assumed it was common knowledge that when someone is walking through a door behind you, you should take a minute out of your day to wait and hold the door open for them until they can get to it (within reason, of course). Since moving in, the following incidences have all happened multiple times:

– A person let’s the door shut in my face.

– A person purposely shuts the door behind them when I am walking in.

– I say hello to a single* person and they turn away and/or give me a dirty look and/or ignore me.

– I say hello to a couple* and while one person gives me stank eye, another person ignores me.

– I hold the door open for someone and they avoid eye contact and don’t say thank you.

– I say thank you to someone for holding the door open and they give me a dirty look and/or ignore me.

– A person sees my dog barreling toward the door ahead of me and lets the door shut in my dog’s face.

(*single and couple are used to explain numbers, not the relationship of the people that I will obviously never know)

If it was one instance or a problem with just one person, I would think nothing of it, but it seems to be the thing to do around here to be a dick. I’ve come up with a lot of reasons this might be happening and I think I’ve narrowed it down. Claiming that all of the people in the same zip code or even in the same building are all dicks is just scientifically impossible (right?) so there’s only one clear answer:

I don’t look the way I think I look. Normal looking, unoffensive, unintimidating me is obviously a layer in the dimension that I primarily exist in, but not the dimension these people live in. Whatever I think I look like and whoever I think I am, is not real. It’s a disappointing discovery but when all the signs are pointing that way it’s hard to deny.

Based on the reactions – in particular the dirty looks – that I’ve received, I put together what I think that I must look like. Since Husband lives in the same dimension with me he’s of no help in figuring out what sort of horrible creature I am, and I can’t very well ask all of these people that are ignoring me, but I still think that this is a pretty accurate representation of who I am to the outside world:


Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!

Dear Neighbors, Sorry I’m not sorry. I’m going to keep saying hello to you ungrateful suckers because I’m going to teach you some damn manners and kill you with kindness.